Aug 202012
 
Paperback 550: World Distributors Novel (no #) (PBO? 1951?)

Title: Yesterday I Died!
Author: John Cooper
Cover artist: Sure, why not...

Yours for: I have no idea ...

WorldDistrNn.IDied

Best things about this cover:
  • Him: "Yesterday Day I Died!" Her: "So I smell!"
  • Gun v. Nipple face-off.
  • Has she got an 8 1/2 x 11 pad of paper in her pocket? 
  • Awkwardly positioned gunman wonders "Am I in frame now? How 'bout now?"

WorldDistrNnbc.IDied

Best things about this back cover:
  • One of three Awesome ads in this thing.
  • Charles Atlas promises you "fresh blood" if you join him and his vampiric children of the night.
  • "Joy-killing ailments" is a great phrase. 
Other ads!
WorldDistrNn.Ad1

  • The crossword constructor in me really wishes APAL had caught on.
  • How is that drawing of that dude supposed to relate to my quitting smoking. Frankly, it's creeping me out and making me want to light up.
  • Hey, "S.A.E." — more crosswordy goodness!


WorldDistrNn.Ad2

  • First, I thought it said "I am Bam-Bou!" and thought "awesome name for a guru." Then I thought it said "Make Money By Growing Babies" and thought "that's ... a new angle."
  • It's a well-know scientific fact that bamboo release spores in the form of pound coins.
  • The Orientalism here is epic—the sexy East will lay bare her secrets to the hungry eyes of the horny West!

Page 123~ (This Book Has No Page Numbers!?!?!)

So ... Random Page~
Lugs O'Malley said suddenly, "For Pete's sake, Champion ... do something. If you're gonna blow us all to hades with the bomb ... well hell, let's go. But don't forget, you go too."
First, give it up for 'Lugs O'Malley,' which belongs in the Corney Gangster Name Hall O' Fame. Second, who says (uncapitalized!?) "hades" in this context? Normally, I would say: the person who thinks "hell" is a curse word. But ... the next sentence ...

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jul 312012
 
Paperback 547: Bantam 1726 (1st ptg, 1958)

Title: Tales of Wells Fargo
Author: Frank Gruber
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $7
Bant1726.WellsFargo
Best things about this cover:
  • It's so generic that the only thing I can get at all excited about is the adjective "bullion-laden."
  • I do like the little B&W ticker at the bottom. I just wish it was animated and came w/ olde timey music, like a player piano or something.
  • Oooh, Dale Robertson. He's .... who is he?
  • "Tales of Wells Fargo" sounds like the testimonials page at their bank website: "The tellers were super-friendly..."

Bant1726bc.WellsFarg

Best things about this back cover:
  • Oooh, Dale Robertson. He's ... nope, nothing. Looks like Generic McWhiteGuy.
  • "Maybe some sweat in their arm-pits" FTW!!!! Now that's vivid! I can almost smell Dale Robertson.
  • Flint-eyed ... rock-jawed ... smashing their eyes and jaws together to start fires. Truly fearsome.

Page 23~
"Item number 3," the auctioneer went on. "This old suitcase. But who can say what treasure might lie inside? I admit it looks ancient and worn, yet this humble and modest exterior could be deceiving. Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you not to disappoint me with paltry bids that insult not only man's intelligence but his imagination. Bid up this time, bid high. Live recklessly." 

Well, someone can say. You could just unzip it and look inside and then ... oh, I'm missing the point? All right then.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jul 292012
 
Paperback 546: Signet 1675 (1st ptg, 1959)

Title: Trail of the Restless Gun
Author: Will Hickok
Cover artist: Robert Schulz

Yours for: $10

Sig1675.RestlessGun
Best things about this cover:
  • "We need a really heroic name. How about ... a first name that will make everyone go 'What?' and a last name that kinda sounds like 'boner'?!" "I like it!"
  • I love the look of crushing existential angst in this guy's face. "Why? Why do I use this? Futility. All roads lead to death. Does it even matter if I turn around and fire?"
  • Or else he's turned his gun into a thermometer and is confirming that it is, indeed, hot out there.
  • "Hickok" looks wrong. Like it's missing a second "c." "I'm a HICK ... OK?"


Sig1675bc.RestGun,
Best things about this back cover:
  • This family sounds unequivocally awesome. 
  • Are "dancehall teasers" (great phrase) notoriously "curious?" About ... what? Science? I think of a "tease" as being knowing and at least somewhat jaded—wanting to deceive or toy with someone, not wanting to learn. 
  • J.C. Penney is proud to feature—The Paxton Brand.

Page 123~

Something seemed to push Rasher forward in his saddle. Then all at once his legs rammed straight and he reared up to his full height, his back arching and a look of spasmed agony and shocked wonderment.

The sex scenes in this book are much hotter than I'd anticipated.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jul 262012
 
Used bookstores are seemingly more plentiful and generally quirkier in NZ than they are here in the states. I went into every one I could find (duh). I pulled a couple things out of Gone West Books (in Titirangi, a neighborhood in / close suburb of Auckland) that seemed of probably interest to readers of this blog. First, there was this hardbound book that practically leapt off the "NZ Fiction" shelf and into my hands. You ever have that experience, where a book seems to Shout at you from the shelves, even if it's not particularly flashy or specially displayed? Yeah, that's what happened here:

Pegasus.GunHand

There's something so simple, elemental, and badass about this design. I found myself thinking "Why don't more books like this?" Slightly frantic font set off against the slightly frantic geometrical linear configuration. Hot and cool at the same time. Minimal but substantial. Colorful, but with a B&W feel. Love! I also love the back cover, where we get to learn a thing or two about our author:

Pegasusbc.GunHand
Armed! Only other armed author I've seen on a paperback cover is Spillane! I'm so reading this.

The other book I pulled out of that shop is less surprising, but no less intriguing:


PengUK741.Trouble

How am I supposed to resist this? The genius of Penguin design, the beat-upness of a good book well read, the Chandler of Chandler of Chandler. I didn't even ask 'how much?' (answer: more than it was worth, less than I would've gladly paid). If I had to design a book to read on a train, it would look like this. I think it would *be* this. HOWEVER, I completely forgot that, for reasons I now forget, Philip Marlowe was not called Philip Marlowe in the UK editions of Chandler's work (despite the fact that the playwright Marlowe was British, and the fact that Marlowe evolved out of the earlier Mallory—another important British writer (minus one "l")). Instead, the detective is called Johnny Dalmas. You would not think a simple name change would affect my reading pleasure. You would be dead wrong. I just couldn't get past it. Marlowe is so far from a "Johnny" that I found it hard to take the stories seriously. It's like if Yakkity Sax started playing over the climactic scene in "The Godfather." To my ears, all kinds of tonally wrong. Anyway, the book still looks cool, which is mostly what matters.

More from The Collection very soon—I'm gonna step up production to make up for the lengthy hiatus.

Later,
RP
Jul 252012
 
Paperback 545: Jove 10150-8 (PBO, 1989)

Title: The Marauders
Author: Michael McGann
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $6


Jove10150.Marauders

Best things about this cover:
  • Countdown to a gay porn movie shoot in 5, 4, 3 ...
  • Russell Crowe, Joe Piscopo, Some Weasel Face, Eric Roberts, Lorenzo Lamas, and ... That Bald Asian Guy are ... The Marauders!
  • If you think those guns aren't cock substitutes, just check out how bachelor #3 is holding his. He's stroking its balls / presenting it to you on a platter / begging you to admire it.
  • "We used to have shirts, but our bodies were so hot they just burned away. Now all we wear is this fire-retardant kevlar stuff. Marauders!"
  • I want one of these patches to sew onto my ... I'm gonna say 'underwear.'
  • "From the Creators [plural] of The Guardians" ... and yet it's written by Michael McGann [singular]. One shape-shifting, multiple-personalitied, gun- and gay-porn-loving guy.
  • After a nuclear war, wouldn't these guys be a little ... anti-climactic, actually.



Jove10150bc.Maraud


Best things about this back cover:
  • Nothing.
  • KGB Chairman, ha ha! Good call, 1989. Way to predict the fyooture.
  • "There's a first time for everything—especially death" is an unintentionally great line. Pearls of wisdom, compliments of ... The Marauders!

Page 123~

The two men walked out of the car. Jack looked over his shoulder. "Buddha? Can you loan me your rifle for a moment?"

In case you were wondering what they were gonna call That Bald Asian Guy. Now you know.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jun 182012
 
Paperback 540: Crest 195 (PBO, 1957)

Title: Meet Morocco Jones (in the Case of the Syndicate Hoods)
Author: Jack Baynes
Cover artist: maaaaaybe Barye Phillips (uncredited)

Yours for: $15


Crest195.MeetMJ_0001
Best things about this cover:
  • Who's the private dick who takes advice from the half-naked lady on his shoulder? "Morocco Jones!" Ya damn right.
  • "Morocco, I'm hungry" "Shut up, Shoulder Girl. Can't you see I'm stalking syndicate hoods?"
  • There is so much Fail happening here. Title fail (the putative title is actually just a lead-in/tagline, whereas the actual title is represented as a weak little subtitle). Art fail (where's the rest of my painting, Captain Stingy McWatercolor?!). Hyperbole fail ("The best book that's ever been written or will ever be written!").


Crest195bc.MeetMJ

Best things about this back cover:
  • "Helluva" is simply a great "word."
  • Morocco Jones "takes his place among the heroes of tough-guy fiction." Notice they don't say which place. Kind of backing off from that front-cover braggadocio, aren't you, copywriters?
  • Is there such a thing as "the edge of lightning?" If so, can it be said to be "sharp?" If the answer to either of these is 'no,' can Morocco Jones' mind be said to really 'exist' at all? (philosophers will come to know this as the "Morocco Jones Dilemma")
  • "And whose morals ... well, he liked to masturbate in public so ... yeah, the less said the better."

Page 123~
"Who are they, Carson?" Thurm asked gently.
"Skull Kronsky, Duke White, and Solly Cogen."
"Bad, bad boys," Thurm said softly. As bad as some of the Syndicate killers. Lije is not going to like this, Carson."
Jack Baynes, fresh off a correspondence course in "Naming Your Fictional Characters," goes berserk. P.S. I call dibs on the pseudonym 'Skull Kronsky.'

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Apr 282012
 
Paperback 521: Signet P2735 (1st ptg, 1966)

Title: The Man with the Golden Gun
Author: Ian Fleming
Cover artist: Barye Phillips

Yours for: $6


SigP2735.GoldGun
Best things about this cover:
  • James Bond subdues the 50-Foot Woman ... with sexy results.
  • Damn the '60s, with their "words" crowding out all the luscious artistry. I can't believe the great Barye Phillips' work has been reduced (literally and metaphorically) to this. It's like his art is being chewed by the bloody fangs of the words, while also being attacked by a golden word-buzzsaw.
  • Her ass is so hot it's literally steaming.


SigP2735bc.GoldGun
Best things about this back cover:
  • NOTHING!
  • Ah, "bordello," you seldom-used, beautiful word.
  • "Aided by his sex-galore confederate" is a brilliant phrase, I'll give the copy writer that.

Page 123~

Amused by his thoughts, Bond's right hand came out of his pocket and lit a cigarette for him, quietly and obediently. It had stopped going off chasing rabbits on its own.

I'm kind of stuck on how a "hand" gets "amused."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Mar 242012
 
Paperback 510: Chariot Books 172 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Sinful Wife
Author: Ray Damon
Cover artist: Uncredited (back cover = photo cover)

Yours for: Not For Sale (donation from Doug Peterson)


CB172.SinfulWife
Best things about this cover:
  • "Look, Steve, I like you, but briskly rubbing my nipple with the butt of your gun is just not doing it for me."
  • I wish she were standing up so I could see her underwear better (without all the messed up perspective). It's kind of cute.
  • Is she a doctor? It looks like she just flopped back on the bed and threw open her lab coat in a fit of passion. Or dyspepsia. Her facial expression is kind of enigmatic.


CB172bc.SinWife

Best things about this back cover:
  • Here's Stella showing off the lamp that earned her a 2nd place ribbon in the "Most Ridiculous Novelty Lamp" competition at the county fair. She also received an Honorable Mention for "Biggest Damn Lampshade Anyone's Ever Seen."
  • I'm sure she's very sexy under that Grandma's-MuuMuu of a nightgown.
  • Is there anything that lamp can't do. I'm pretty sure it tells time, and possibly provides shelter for a small family. 
  • And the award for "Most Uses of the Verb 'Come' on the Back Cover of a Paperback" goes to ...

Page 123~

The gear shift was a big lever jutting up beside me with a button on top.

"I'll thank you not to talk about my penis that way," exclaimed Steve.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Feb 292012
 
Paperback 506: Paperback Library 63-213 (1st ptg, 1970)

Title: The Man Inside (Milo March Mystery 4)
Author: M. E. Chaber
Cover artist: Robert McGinnis

Yours for: $5


PapLib63213.Milo4

Best things about this cover:
  • Yes, Lee Marvin likes your see-through sarong very much.
  • Seriously, this guy is my hero. I want his rough-hewn throne, his shirt, his, let's say, bourbon, and his, let's say, companion.
  • The art deco-ish font is ... odd. Not throne-odd, but odd.
  • Where Is Her Other Shoe!?


PapLib63213bc.Milo4

Best things about this back cover:
  • Hell Yeah Wenching! 
  • I want a sweater made of Chaber yarn.
  • "You need not be told ..." HA ha. That wins "Most Unnecessary Blurb."

Page 123~

"Homicide is sending a man. Maybe they've already sent him. I threw around as much weight as I could and I think he'll look you up before he does anything, but don't expect any more than that. I don't think he'll give you any cooperation."
"I never expect any from a cop," I said.

Ooh, a quipster who plays by his own rules. He's the Die Hard of his generation.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

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