Rex Parker

Aug 202012
 
Paperback 550: World Distributors Novel (no #) (PBO? 1951?)

Title: Yesterday I Died!
Author: John Cooper
Cover artist: Sure, why not...

Yours for: I have no idea ...

WorldDistrNn.IDied

Best things about this cover:
  • Him: "Yesterday Day I Died!" Her: "So I smell!"
  • Gun v. Nipple face-off.
  • Has she got an 8 1/2 x 11 pad of paper in her pocket? 
  • Awkwardly positioned gunman wonders "Am I in frame now? How 'bout now?"

WorldDistrNnbc.IDied

Best things about this back cover:
  • One of three Awesome ads in this thing.
  • Charles Atlas promises you "fresh blood" if you join him and his vampiric children of the night.
  • "Joy-killing ailments" is a great phrase. 
Other ads!
WorldDistrNn.Ad1

  • The crossword constructor in me really wishes APAL had caught on.
  • How is that drawing of that dude supposed to relate to my quitting smoking. Frankly, it's creeping me out and making me want to light up.
  • Hey, "S.A.E." — more crosswordy goodness!


WorldDistrNn.Ad2

  • First, I thought it said "I am Bam-Bou!" and thought "awesome name for a guru." Then I thought it said "Make Money By Growing Babies" and thought "that's ... a new angle."
  • It's a well-know scientific fact that bamboo release spores in the form of pound coins.
  • The Orientalism here is epic—the sexy East will lay bare her secrets to the hungry eyes of the horny West!

Page 123~ (This Book Has No Page Numbers!?!?!)

So ... Random Page~
Lugs O'Malley said suddenly, "For Pete's sake, Champion ... do something. If you're gonna blow us all to hades with the bomb ... well hell, let's go. But don't forget, you go too."
First, give it up for 'Lugs O'Malley,' which belongs in the Corney Gangster Name Hall O' Fame. Second, who says (uncapitalized!?) "hades" in this context? Normally, I would say: the person who thinks "hell" is a curse word. But ... the next sentence ...

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Aug 162012
 
Paperback 549: Leisure Books LB1203 (PBO, 1967)

Title: Passion Panamania
Author: J. X. Williams
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $28

LeisB1203.Panamania

Best things about this cover:
  • When the women's beach volleyball team says "Closed Practice," they mean "Closed Practice."
  • I'm a bit worried for that guy. I mean if he were shirtless and she had a whip, that would be one thing, but pantsless, spread-eagle, and she's got a knife? No. All the boobs and butt cheeks in the world aren't going to make this situation erotic.
  • What is her right hand doing!? Please don't say "anointing the sacrificial lamb."
  • Winner: Frondiest Cover of 1967.
  • A Latin Lesbos, eh? So ... and island ... in, let's say, the Caribbean ... Well, there's Jost Van Dyke, but I'm gonna say "too spot-on."

LeisB1203bc.Panama

Best things about this back cover:
  • Yeah, if you're having marital troubles, just go camping. Works like a charm.
  • Um, question? What is "the PASSION PANAMANIA"? Because, grammatically, it seems to be some kind of miasma or disease or sea god.
  • "And the swapping and sharing could begin..."—so it's some kind of convention for Beanie Baby collectors? No, wait: "no conventions" ... I'm stumped (which is what the guy on the cover is going to be saying in 3, 2, ...)

Page 123~
They understood each other too well to waste words. Maria said, "We all—all five of us—took part. But only one—not me—did the terrible thing you know about. We others were as surprised and felt as horrible about it as you do—I swear it, _mi amiga_!—but we just stood there as she—Oh, _madre_, it was so awful, the blood..."
Dear god, who is jacking off to this!?!?!

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Aug 142012
 
Paperback 548: Nightstand Books 1847 (PBO, 1967)

Title: Superstud
Author: Alan Marshall
Cover artist: Someone who can't believe his idea got past house censors

Yours for: $25

NB1847.SupStud

Best things about this cover:
  • Wow. Just try out-sideboobing this cover. You Can't Do It.
  • "Yes, that's my right tit, complete with nipple. No, you're not dreaming. Pretty good, right?"
  • The boob is to distract from the hair, which looks great from the brow down, but get up any higher and it's a nightmare of random scalp attachment (and non-attachment). There's a reason they wrote "SUPER-STUD" over the top of that mess.
  • Maybe if the hair is red, you might try a different color for the font next time. This book looks like it's titled "R-"

EL1847bc.SupStud

Best things about this back cover:

  • Reading the first two sentences makes me think Brett isn't that studly from the neck up.
  • Call me old-fashioned, but I like my superstuds to be nailing quivering, creamy-fleshed ladies, not killing cops. What a massive waste of studliness.
  • Also, "Brett?" As a superstud name? Vetoed. 

Page 123~

He reached down and pulled her up. He didn't want to finish this way, not this time. He had better things in mind for the bitch with the fantastic boobs. 

Now *that's* a superhero name. Give that bitch a cape!

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jul 312012
 
Paperback 547: Bantam 1726 (1st ptg, 1958)

Title: Tales of Wells Fargo
Author: Frank Gruber
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $7
Bant1726.WellsFargo
Best things about this cover:
  • It's so generic that the only thing I can get at all excited about is the adjective "bullion-laden."
  • I do like the little B&W ticker at the bottom. I just wish it was animated and came w/ olde timey music, like a player piano or something.
  • Oooh, Dale Robertson. He's .... who is he?
  • "Tales of Wells Fargo" sounds like the testimonials page at their bank website: "The tellers were super-friendly..."

Bant1726bc.WellsFarg

Best things about this back cover:
  • Oooh, Dale Robertson. He's ... nope, nothing. Looks like Generic McWhiteGuy.
  • "Maybe some sweat in their arm-pits" FTW!!!! Now that's vivid! I can almost smell Dale Robertson.
  • Flint-eyed ... rock-jawed ... smashing their eyes and jaws together to start fires. Truly fearsome.

Page 23~
"Item number 3," the auctioneer went on. "This old suitcase. But who can say what treasure might lie inside? I admit it looks ancient and worn, yet this humble and modest exterior could be deceiving. Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you not to disappoint me with paltry bids that insult not only man's intelligence but his imagination. Bid up this time, bid high. Live recklessly." 

Well, someone can say. You could just unzip it and look inside and then ... oh, I'm missing the point? All right then.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jul 292012
 
Paperback 546: Signet 1675 (1st ptg, 1959)

Title: Trail of the Restless Gun
Author: Will Hickok
Cover artist: Robert Schulz

Yours for: $10

Sig1675.RestlessGun
Best things about this cover:
  • "We need a really heroic name. How about ... a first name that will make everyone go 'What?' and a last name that kinda sounds like 'boner'?!" "I like it!"
  • I love the look of crushing existential angst in this guy's face. "Why? Why do I use this? Futility. All roads lead to death. Does it even matter if I turn around and fire?"
  • Or else he's turned his gun into a thermometer and is confirming that it is, indeed, hot out there.
  • "Hickok" looks wrong. Like it's missing a second "c." "I'm a HICK ... OK?"


Sig1675bc.RestGun,
Best things about this back cover:
  • This family sounds unequivocally awesome. 
  • Are "dancehall teasers" (great phrase) notoriously "curious?" About ... what? Science? I think of a "tease" as being knowing and at least somewhat jaded—wanting to deceive or toy with someone, not wanting to learn. 
  • J.C. Penney is proud to feature—The Paxton Brand.

Page 123~

Something seemed to push Rasher forward in his saddle. Then all at once his legs rammed straight and he reared up to his full height, his back arching and a look of spasmed agony and shocked wonderment.

The sex scenes in this book are much hotter than I'd anticipated.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jul 262012
 
Used bookstores are seemingly more plentiful and generally quirkier in NZ than they are here in the states. I went into every one I could find (duh). I pulled a couple things out of Gone West Books (in Titirangi, a neighborhood in / close suburb of Auckland) that seemed of probably interest to readers of this blog. First, there was this hardbound book that practically leapt off the "NZ Fiction" shelf and into my hands. You ever have that experience, where a book seems to Shout at you from the shelves, even if it's not particularly flashy or specially displayed? Yeah, that's what happened here:

Pegasus.GunHand

There's something so simple, elemental, and badass about this design. I found myself thinking "Why don't more books like this?" Slightly frantic font set off against the slightly frantic geometrical linear configuration. Hot and cool at the same time. Minimal but substantial. Colorful, but with a B&W feel. Love! I also love the back cover, where we get to learn a thing or two about our author:

Pegasusbc.GunHand
Armed! Only other armed author I've seen on a paperback cover is Spillane! I'm so reading this.

The other book I pulled out of that shop is less surprising, but no less intriguing:


PengUK741.Trouble

How am I supposed to resist this? The genius of Penguin design, the beat-upness of a good book well read, the Chandler of Chandler of Chandler. I didn't even ask 'how much?' (answer: more than it was worth, less than I would've gladly paid). If I had to design a book to read on a train, it would look like this. I think it would *be* this. HOWEVER, I completely forgot that, for reasons I now forget, Philip Marlowe was not called Philip Marlowe in the UK editions of Chandler's work (despite the fact that the playwright Marlowe was British, and the fact that Marlowe evolved out of the earlier Mallory—another important British writer (minus one "l")). Instead, the detective is called Johnny Dalmas. You would not think a simple name change would affect my reading pleasure. You would be dead wrong. I just couldn't get past it. Marlowe is so far from a "Johnny" that I found it hard to take the stories seriously. It's like if Yakkity Sax started playing over the climactic scene in "The Godfather." To my ears, all kinds of tonally wrong. Anyway, the book still looks cool, which is mostly what matters.

More from The Collection very soon—I'm gonna step up production to make up for the lengthy hiatus.

Later,
RP
Jul 252012
 
Paperback 545: Jove 10150-8 (PBO, 1989)

Title: The Marauders
Author: Michael McGann
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $6


Jove10150.Marauders

Best things about this cover:
  • Countdown to a gay porn movie shoot in 5, 4, 3 ...
  • Russell Crowe, Joe Piscopo, Some Weasel Face, Eric Roberts, Lorenzo Lamas, and ... That Bald Asian Guy are ... The Marauders!
  • If you think those guns aren't cock substitutes, just check out how bachelor #3 is holding his. He's stroking its balls / presenting it to you on a platter / begging you to admire it.
  • "We used to have shirts, but our bodies were so hot they just burned away. Now all we wear is this fire-retardant kevlar stuff. Marauders!"
  • I want one of these patches to sew onto my ... I'm gonna say 'underwear.'
  • "From the Creators [plural] of The Guardians" ... and yet it's written by Michael McGann [singular]. One shape-shifting, multiple-personalitied, gun- and gay-porn-loving guy.
  • After a nuclear war, wouldn't these guys be a little ... anti-climactic, actually.



Jove10150bc.Maraud


Best things about this back cover:
  • Nothing.
  • KGB Chairman, ha ha! Good call, 1989. Way to predict the fyooture.
  • "There's a first time for everything—especially death" is an unintentionally great line. Pearls of wisdom, compliments of ... The Marauders!

Page 123~

The two men walked out of the car. Jack looked over his shoulder. "Buddha? Can you loan me your rifle for a moment?"

In case you were wondering what they were gonna call That Bald Asian Guy. Now you know.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Frank!

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Jul 192012
 
My kind of ginger beer ...


Untitled

~RP [Wanaka, NZ, July 17, 2012]

Summer Hiatus

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Jul 162012
 
The plan was to be able to continue blogging during my three-week trip to NZ, but firstly I've been busy doing vacationy things, and secondly I did all the prep I needed to do *except* upload the cover scans to Flickr. So I can't do squat until I get back in another week. Which is too bad, but it is what it is. In the mean time, please enjoy the cover of this book, which I picked up in Wellington. It hardly needs commentary.





See you in a week,
RP
Jun 282012
 
Paperback 544: Lion Books 131 (1st thus, 1956)

Title: Nightfall
Author: David Goodis
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $50

LB131.Nightfall
Best things about this cover:
  • There are really too many things going on on this cover for it to make any kind of visual sense. It's like I"m watching a stage play about some woman who was hurt in a tragic accident and is now, through the love of one strong man, learning to walk ... but then the soul of the dead body represented by the chalk outline on the ground is so disgusted by the false pathos of the scene that he rises up in horror and flees ... and immediately has a heart attack. Nightfall!
  • David Goodis was good at writing. His books are pretty collectible, and this one, despite some bumps and bruises, is clearly unread. Gorgeous. One of my earliest two-figure (i.e. it cost me more than $10) purchases, and probably the first that made me realize "holy shit, you are really collecting these things now."
  • I do love the unusual, if creepy, color of this cover, and the bright, nutso font on the title.
  • Movie tie-in! Collectible subgenre! Hey, is the ghost of the corpse ... is that ... fear hand?! Behind the "A" and the "L"!? Judges say .... ding ding ding!


LB131bc.Nightfall

Best things about this back cover:
  • Bancroft! So early ...
  • Aldo Ray sounds like a prog rock band.
  • "Taut" ... "swift" ... "searing" ... nope, sorry, no "frank." 

Page 123~

The type he was dealing with was the most dangerous and clever of them all. On the surface a soft-voiced innocence, an unembroidered sincerity. Beneath the surface a chess player who could do amazing things without board and chessman.

"What are you doing?" "Playing chess in my mind." "Amazing."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

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